Phobia

So, random things have been on my mind that have made me want to write this blog today. I should be straightening my hair, and working on homework, but screw it. :-p

If you know me, then you know I have fears of many things. Well out of nowhere, I kind of realized I had a new fear today... but I don't know if I would call it a fear.

Before I get into the topic of my new fear/phobia, lets go over the old ones. I believe my biggest fear is the dark. I honestly do not know why, but I hate it. I have always hated the dark and I probably always will. If I do go far away to college next year, it is going to be tough.

The second biggest fear I have are bugs. I HATE them, but then again who REALLY likes them? I have trouble even killing the, it freaks me out that I will hear them crunch. They are life forms, so maybe 1% of me feels guilty for murdering its ugly self, but I am heartless, what can I say?

Hmm now I have many other fears, but I would not say they are my biggest. I have a fear of roller coasters (actually I have a fear of just rides in general.) I am not sure what scares me about them. I tend to psych myself out. I want to say that maybe I am scarred of dieing, but am I? I do not want to die, I don't want to die soon. I have a lot of things I want to accomplish until then, but I'm not sure if I am deathly (haha I should have used a better word) fear of it. The day we are born, we are that much closer to our death! That may sound morbid, but it is true! I guess I should not really fear it then. I kind of embrace it, but I do not want to die a painful death... I can't imagine many people would want to either though!

Lets see, I hate the movie the Ring, and it will probably always freak me out. However it is NOT real. I have not seen the movie in the longest time, so I feel I am more afraid of the emotion of fear, then the movie itself. Lets just say I did watch it, It would most likely freak me the hell out, but I feel like I might be okay. HOWEVER, put me in a dark room, and I'll have a heart attack that the Ring girl will try to kill me! I need to learn how to fight my fears.

A stupid fear I have... black toilet seats.
Why you ask? I do not know, I am just as dumb founded as you. Ever since I was little they have just freaked me the heck out! I use to hate blue toilet water too, luckily I got over that one! I physically do not think I would be able to pee on a black toilet seat. And just to put it out there, this has NOTHING to do with racism! I haven't faced many black toilet seats lately, but when I do, I'll just have to hold my bladder!

Another fear... The devil.
I practically bless myself with Holy Water every night, and pray before every meal. Mostly because my religion tells me to, but also to keep away the evil. I have a fear of it, I have a fear of getting possessed ( It is okay, go ahead and laugh.), but I can't help it. I go to church every Sunday, and I also go to confession. I love my God and my religion so much, and I know he would never let anything that bad happen to me. I am surrounded by love, so I guess I do not have much to fear. However, I'd rather be safe than sorry =)

I do have a few other fears, but I want to get to my new one.
To be honest, It developed over the past 3 years, and I do not know what keeps causing it. This is going to sound kind of strange, but I have a fear of seeing people I went to high school with, or once knew. I hate the way I look, so I am kind of afraid if people do see me, they will laugh at my ugliness and fattiness. I loved the people I went to HS with, but I do not want them to see me. I am not talking about Megan, Samantha,Susanne or any people I am close with and that I hang out with now. I mean random people. I am afraid they will laugh at me, or judge me. I don't mind being in college in classes with people I do not know. It may seem backwards, but at least they have nothing to compare me to, you know?

I was Christmas shopping in the mall tonight, and I was so afraid I was going to see a past friend. I literally walked with my head down almost the whole time. Maybe it is a lack of confidence thing, but I do not know how to get over it. One night Susanne and Katie were meeting up with two old guy friends from QP, I silently freaked out. I did truly have lots of homework, but more of the reason was I did not want to see them. AND NOT BECAUSE I do not like them, I love all of my past/future friends... I just do not want them to judge me. I find myself becoming socially awkward, or a recluse.

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Till next time blog life.